March 23, 2016

A unique perspective

Life is all about perspective. The sinking of the Titanic was a miracle to the lobsters in the ship's kitchen.

Nothing says' I love my dog' quite like spending more money on his haircut than you do your own.

I need to start paying closer attention to stuff. Found out today my wife and I have separate names for the cat.

She wanted a puppy. But I didn't want a puppy. So we compromised and got a puppy.

The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail instead of his tongue.

I find a duck's opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked? Refusing to go to the gym counts as resistance training, right?

He's street smart. Sesame Street smart.

I'm not a doctor but I know adding cheese to anything makes it an antidepressant.

My annual performance review says I lack "passion & intensity," guess management hasn't seen me alone with a Big Mac.

You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That's your common sense leaving your body.

Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough.

Burglar gently waking me... "you live like this?"

Republicans & Democrats are like divorced parents who care more about getting the kids to hate the other one than they are their well-being.

For more one-liners visit onelinefun.com.