Sock it to us!

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SPOOF SPACEAccording to research quoted in a recent Wall Street Journal story, men are now out-spending women on apparel, with a large share of the spending being devoted to men's socks. Attributable, it seems, to promotional ads, by Ralph Lauren, Nike and others as one way to increase profit from clothing sales by "dressing up the feet."

Obviously it would be great to address this phenomenon as a fad so the gullible would follow suit and not be left behind in the mad dash to conform to the latest "in" thing.

Certainly there have been countless fads focused on meaningless indulgences that gratify the quest to be "in." How can anyone forget, because they're still adorning the impressionable, the gold neck chain, leisure suits, tattoos, ear rings and basketball shorts that hang below the knees. Socks could attain the same status if ads appear featuring well-dressed billionaires, sports celebrities or carpet baggers cavorting with topless chicks in a crowded casino pool in Las Vegas.

But the yearning for socks represents something far different from a fad. Socks have become a psychiatric substitute for the vast army of men who see socks, not as a fashion accessory, but as a way to retreat from the worries created by a dysfunctional American President who is affiliated with feet in a way best expressed by my grandmother. Her words: "Grandson, you really stepped in it this time." Down on the farm where reality separates life from political fantasy, the meaning of the phrase is: "Mister, you've just stepped in a big bucket of manure." And the word manure is a polite substitute for its four letter meaning.

The inexplicable propensity of the leader of the United States to repeatedly "step into a bucket of manure" has so disturbed the equanimity of the country's male population that it has retreated into a "sock mentality." They seek an outlet that is affordable, comfortable and visibly free from the manure spread all over the fruited plane by a totally incompetent government led by a president whose latest score on the World Lie Detector Meter exceeds even the record number of current White House scandals, cover-ups or foreign policy screw-ups combined. The patients with "sock mentality" seek refuge in the purity of clean socks.

That, my dear friends, both male and female, is why socks have replaced psychotherapy, meditation, fads and counseling as a way to compensate for the daily discouragement of a government with its feet steeped in manure. How refreshing to simply sit down and contemplate your own socks, knowing that the barnyard smell of government socks will some day reach a point that can no longer be tolerated. Just to be sure, I think I'll go buy a six pack ... of socks.

On your way to do the same, be sure to vote for a clean sock candidate. Here's to "Socksess" in the next election!