JANUARY 15, 2014
The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.
I live in my own little world but it's OK, everyone knows me here.
I don't do drugs 'cause I find I get the same effect just by standing up really fast.
Money can't buy happiness but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the "terminal"?
I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected and re-elected.
The most precious thing we have is life, yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.
If life deals you lemons, make lemonade. If life deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys.
No one ever says, "It's only a game!" when their team is winning.
I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
Shopping tip: You can get shoes for a buck at bowling alleys.
I am a nobody; nobody is perfect, and therefore I am perfect.
Every day I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.
How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.
Marriage changes passion ... suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?
Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.
Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom 's wise words: "Don't pick that up; you don't know where it's been!"