The naked truth


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SPOOF SPACEGreetings and Happy New Year to you all. Every year at this time in our constant pursuit of ideas to benefit society we devote this space to wise and wonderful suggestions for New Year’s Resolutions. However, based on reliable information from incompetent but influential government agencies, 97 1/2 percent of all New Year’s Resolutions are totally forgotten, or have proved harmful to the person making them within 21 days. Unless they are liberal government resolutions. Those are usually abandoned within 21 minutes. And it’s a good thing too because most government resolutions are the product of sick minds, which if not forgotten within 21 minutes can cause obscenities, kinky behavior, useless protests, increases in your taxes or corrupt your family.
Soooo … we decided to make our space available for information we can all benefit from, involving health care tips. This is private stuff not covered by the laughingly entitled Patient Protection and Unaffordable care act (PU).

Our first tip is from a San Francisco psychiatrist who runs an underground medical research firm called “Naked or Nothing.” He has concluded, after years of naked group therapy that being nude in public in some way affects the chromosomes on the left side of the brain that causes a compulsion to improve vision. As a result, most nudists obtain eye glasses which help them see other nudists better. This also reduces public groping. The doctor’s finding provides conclusive proof that nudity is beneficial and improves vision. The health tip? Go nude if you want to see better or wish to be seen better.

We should point out that San Francisco has recently passed some restraining limits on total public nudity. Restaurants that serve food buffet style using naked servers have offended many visitors from out of town. But in the true spirit of cooperation and bipartisanship, the city has “reached out” – or to use a less evocative phrase when dealing with nude servers – the city has “taken steps” that should not only ease customer recoil, but at the same time preserve the nude workers’ civil rights. In the future, all naked servers will be required to wear rubber gloves while on the serving line.

The virtual Queen of Rational Health Care Measures, Nancy Pelosi, Congresswoman from San Francisco, might think about introducing a similar Federal law to benefit middle class taxpayers. However, there is a large body of conflict in other municipalities about which is the bigger problem, naked bodies or naked city treasuries. Detroit comes to mind! As the leading example of “broke,” Detroit obviously prefers naked treasuries. But even if they opted for naked bodies, so many bodies are leaving town to earn a living elsewhere, that no one is left to vote for anything.

So the health tip here is to always vote for naked bodies. The benefit to the people of cities who do so is that the elected officials won’t have anywhere to hide the money they used to pocket from robbing us blind. And since we will all be seeing better with new glasses, maybe we will be able to focus on who is robbing the treasury!