BY STEELE CODDINGTON | SEPTEMBER 19, 2012
More crab, less President ...
I recently came down with a desert malady diagnosed as “Missing-water-brain-pain,” an irresistible compulsion to visit a body of water. People who grow up near large bodies of water and then move to the desert are victims. Water is all you think about. My Italian friends call it “Lacka-acqua,” and if you have it, you need to find water pronto.
When I was a kid, we lived beside Lake Ontario. I became a water rat before kindergarten. We could always find a private space on some body of water to jump into without suits which facilitated “mooning” anyone not present. You never lose the yearning for water and the only way to cure a “waterholic” addict is to take him to water. Thankfully, family living in the Pacific Northwest was able to find a clinic for me recently, on the Strait of Georgia near the Canadian border.
My recuperation began immediately as I stared happily across a body of WATER at the San Juan Islands. My eyes brightened watching boats stopping at buoys attached to crab traps on the bottom. The delicious catch in them is a unique crustacean known as the Dungeness Crab. When eaten near water, along with a liquid health supplement carrying the label “Makers Mark,” it is a sure cure for waterholicism. But it also contains a miraculous composite that enhances the ability to recognize dangerous negative influences on the brains of groups who seem to believe anything they hear. That danger became apparent when someone accidentally turned on the clinic TV broadcasting the Democrat Convention during my visit.
The Convention seemed to be a reverse of a rodeo bull riding event, with Democrat speakers throwing the bull at the crowd. The spectacle of lies – both propagated and believed, revealed a serious liberal disease called “Obama Brainwash.” Attendees desperately need some therapy. Since they appeared to believe everything they heard, my dog Arbuckle has a suitable plan. Its objective is to keep them away from the polls so they won’t permanently damage America by voting for the incumbent.
The plan is to disrupt voting in Democrat precincts using special units called New Black PANTERS, who will, in front of the polls, pant, breathe heavily, cough, spit, sneeze and fake like they have a disease, to scare voters away. Because their uniforms are made of black wool from the famous black sheep raised in Sedro Woolley, Washington, the ski masks and shirts will look exactly like the outfits worn by the real New Black Panthers, so the Justice Department will not interfere. We can’t mention other plans right now because the government might start profiling Arbuckle.
But if the election goes the wrong way, entrepreneurs will need to find a way to earn a living that’s not declared illegal by Executive Order. That gives me two choices. I can herd sheep with Arbuckle near Sedro Woolley, having witnessed how to herd sheep watching the Democrat Convention, OR I can escape to Canada until America takes the country back from Obama and his cronies, Putin, Chavez, Biden and Reid. Either way, I can occasionally sneak over to the Strait of Georgia and poach crab. “Poach” because it will be declared illegal under Obama just like off-shore oil drilling, corporate profits, work, if you don’t belong to a union, leaving money to your kids, and becoming “rich.” It’s pitiful when even an illegal crab can make you feel better than the empty promises of an American President.