BY DR. DAVE HEPBURN | AUGUST 15, 2012
Wonderful role models
Some feel that smoking is detrimental. Hogwash!! Frankly I can think of many reasons that smoking benefits both the smoker and society in general.
1. Smoking helps rid the world of solid toxic substances like toluenes, benzenes and formaldehyde. By creating a wee burning toxic waste dump each time a fag is lit up, some 3,000 solid poisons are converted into gas and thoughtfully removed from the environment and deposited into the smokers lungs. This may save our landfills.
2. Cancer research would come to a grinding halt if everyone stopped smoking. White mice would overrun labs, mad scientists would go completely sane and start cloning Dolly Partons instead of sheep. Pocket protector factories would shut down.
3. Smoking keeps new doctors well trained. If not for smokers, young doctors would see far less pathology, lose their interest in medicine, would quit and end up retraining in a job trapping white mice.
4. A boon to Botox and beauty. While smokers convert their skin from baby-butt smooth to Sharpei level, facial rejuvenation and teeth whitening industries thrive.
5. Decrease the overpopulation. It has been calculated that each cigarette smoked shortens life by 11 minutes. An average smoker loses 6.5 years of life, whatever that has become.
1. Catch less communicable diseases. People carry germs. Due to the distinkt aroma of a smokers breath, hair, pores and overalls, few people get close enough to a smoker to transmit germs.
2. Bask in a plethora of spectral splendor as they exude a cornucopia of color. Green sputum in the morning, a lovely yellow tinge to teeth and fingers glistening in the noonday sun, and how about the brilliant red urine from bladder cancer that only a smoker can produce.
3. Give off that cool James Dean look, the current James Dean.
4. Enjoy an excellent weight loss program. With a smoker's taste buds rendered as useless as tofu at a hockey game, food tastes like cardboard and weight is dropped. Failing that, Virginia Slims and cancer have teamed up to dissolve those pounds away.
5. Feel less guilty about missing bike to work week. While observing a cyclist in a three piece suit and a briefcase pedaling to his cubicle, many folks would feel inspired if not guilty about not doing the same. The smoker, however, puffing and gasping just reaching for a lighter, resists engaging in potentially harmful vigorous exercise. Able to demonstrate that famous willpower they’re known for, they declare firmly "I'm not even tempted."
6. Learn to perfect an exotic Asian dialect by reaching down deep into the guttural diaphragm to dislodge mucous plugs prior to expectorating.
7. Don’t end up inside hospitals. You have to go outside hospitals to smoke. Those walking by are inspired if not tempted by this lifestyle. “Hey, maybe we could get in here too. Get our own TV, food served right to your bed and attractive nurses with cool drugs just a button away.”
8. Are trend setters in the world of fashion. "Oh yes Evan, I just love this. A delightful new fall fashion, Pierre Cardin oxygen bottles in a scintillating chiffon carrier with matching accessory tubes wrapped around the face. Note those two gorgeous prongs rammed up the nostrils. And who wouldn't look twice at that stunning hole in your throat with a revealing metal tracheostomy."
9. Get the best views at any restaurant. In fact, nowadays they get to sit out in the view.
10. Always have a light with them. “Shhhhh. Hey Bob, light up that Bic and let’s see if this really was James Dean’s coffin.”
11.Are wonderful role models to our youth. Hey, you thought that kids only smoked to get the neat cough with matching stained fingernails? NO! They want to be a grown up, mature and in control... like you.
Learn more and meet Dr. Dave or contact him at www.wisequacks.org.