JULY 18, 2012

Prettier living through pharmaceuticals

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dr daveThere are drugs to make you feel good
There are drugs to make you be good
There are drugs to make you look good


“Well doc, when you look good you feel good and that makes you want to be ... well actually ... bad. Now crack open the Botox.”

Is aging a disease? Is ugliness a disease? As boomers start to pass their “best before” date and Father Time and Mother Nature conspire against them for all of those flipped birds to the blue hair driving a Studebaker at 13 mph or tetherball played with grandmother’s breasts, many boomers turn to drugs, lifestyle drugs. Prettier living through pharmaceuticals. 

Many of these particular drugs came about purely by chance, not unlike Sealey’s huge win in Vegas that he has yet to declare. A medication developed to help with a specific problem, kind of grew a different mold in the petri dish. 

“Well Bloggins, this drug was meant to give you a much more pleasant prostate, but I must say, you suddenly make Chewbacca look like Kojak.” 

Case in point is Latisse, a drug primarily meant to mitigate the damage of glaucoma, a common and potentially dangerous eye condition that should be routinely screened for by your local optometrist.  Listen carefully to the auctioneer who spouts off those 47 side effects in 3.3 seconds on TV. “Side effects include hemorrhoids of the nose, heart palpitations, liver failure, bum acne, itchy teeth, uncontrollable urination, ravishing beauty, feet tremors, toenail fungus.....”  Whoa, back up! Side effects include beauty? Latisse, it turns out, not only decreases the pressure in your eye but also increases the length, the thickness and the darkness of your eyelashes. Turns you into a lovable seal pup. 

There is no doubt that Rogaine helps to regain that manly mane. Initially designed as a medication to decrease blood pressure it turned out to also increase hair measure. Works best on that attractive monk patch area that men of the male species can’t see in the mirror, thank goodness. Allows us to believe we’re still that rockin’ Woodstock Adonis who can wear gold medallions the size of Saskatoon and unbutton our shirts down to our navel lint, when in fact, Father Time is perched on our pate’s posterior, plucking out the thin threads clinging to our cranial crown. But rub a little Rogaine on your head daily and in about four months, Aladdin appears and grants you the wish of eternal youth and a couple of Pepsis. A little dab’ll do ya. At least it beats drugs, plugs or rugs. 
Brought into the medical field initially to relieve eyelid spasm, it was also found to relieve other muscle spasms including the muscles that spasm so much that we get our groove on, ie. deep grooves, creases and wrinkles. The most popular places for Botox to be used for softening wrinkles are 1) between the eyes (the angry and aged looking “number 11’s”), 2) the forehead and 3) crow’s toes. Now Brotox (Botox use in men) is up 258 percent in the past decade with Wayne Newton responsible for 254 percent of that.

Grey hair pill
Greying of our hair, a problem that George Clooney and I have noticed, makes us seem much more mature than we actually are. So cosmetic giant L’Oreal is now developing an oral pill to prevent and treat grey hair, due to hit the market by 2015! When things like genes, age and oxidative stress (aka children) cause hair follicles to no longer include the pigment melanin, we start to develop that salt and pepper look. But when we get more salt than pepper and Hepburn is no longer hepper than we apparently will be heading to the pharmacy or the cosmetic counter to get the “grey hair pill.” 

Looks like with the right drugs, I’ll never mature. 

Learn more and meet Dr. Dave or contact him at www.wisequacks.org.