BY DR. DAVE HEPBURN | JULY 27, 2011
Barbeques terrify me
What’s on your barbeque menu this summer? Hamburgers, ribs, strands of previously charred and stuck on remains of a chicken breast from last week that kind of tore apart when you took it off the grill because your wife forgot to give you the proper spatula, vegetables, sheeesh kabobs, E. coli etc.
False teeth and chipmunks frighten me and a chipmunk with false teeth...well I don’t sleep. But barbeques terrify me. They are evil, intimidating and they know it, which is why they deliberately include “barb” in their name, as per the nasty barb of a harpoon or a Striesand.
My trusty hound Leo, on the other hand, loves the BBQ. He foams fountains of saliva as he anticipates the side table tipping over or bits of halibut dropping nearby. Failing that, there is always that tasty grease that spills over the grease cup. “Oh yeah!” he gloats, “Makes for way better eruptions later when I’m curled up pretending to be asleep. Man I love it when they blame each other.”
But for me, there have been too many times I have muttered, “Hmmm, not lit yet, smells like the gas is on, but it’s still not...” “WHOOOOOOOOOSH” and there goes my eyebrows and the hair on (now off) my arms. “Smells great Dave, what’s cookin’?” “Well, got some chicken breasts, mixed with a little homo sapien epidermis....”
So now, when lighting a BBQ, I stand 47 feet away and, if it doesn’t light in the first two seconds, I send my wife in, which is not an act of cowardice despite what the neighbors say. She simply has less arm hair and thus, this just makes sense.
And of course, barbeques get you both ways. Undercook the meat and you get diarrhea, blood in your urine and death and stuff. Overcook your meat and suddenly you develop tumors and growths sprouting about your body with shapes like potatoes and Striesand’s rhinoplasty.
Barbeque Season Syndrome aka Hamburger Disease is a result of not killing the E. coli that is hunkered down in the middle of the patty. Symptoms of E.coli infection start about two days after eating the burger and include all the food poisoning symptoms like vomiting, belly cramps and the attractive watery diarrhea, which in serious cases may become bloody. Goes on for a week. But the bad news is, that on occasion, this can turn deadly. One strain of E. coli can produce a toxin that destroys red blood cells and platelets, cause kidney failure and will claim the life of 5 percent of those who develop this syndrome. Known as HUS (hemolytic uremic syndrome), it can lead to some permanent damage in the lives of those affected. So should you get ill a couple of days after eating a hamburger, be aware that should you start to see little purple bruises on your skin or blood in your urine, even after the “stomach flu” symptoms are over, you MUST see a doctor.
But as an ounce of prevention blah blah, I want to remind you to:
- Refrigerate or freeze your meat as soon as possible after buying it.
- Thaw meat in the refrigerator, not at room temperature.
- Always thaw meat thoroughly before you start to cook it. Do not try cooking frozen or partially frozen meat.
- If you do not cook hamburger patties right away, keep them in the refrigerator until you are ready to cook them. Do not let raw meat sit at room temperature, regardless of what the dog says.
-Always wash and sanitize all utensils, cutting boards, counters, children etc that have touched raw meat to prevent E. coli from contaminating other foods.
-Never put cooked meat back on the same unwashed platter that held the raw meat. The juices from the raw meat can be contaminated with E. coli, which can then contaminate the cooked meat which means you have to BBQ it again which means you will overcook it now which means you may well grow Striesands off your ear.
-Cook hamburger patties until the centre is brown, not pink, and the juices run clear. The middle of the patty must reach a temperature of 71 degrees C or hotter and held there for at least 15 seconds. Pink burgers are best....served to critical neighbors.
Learn more and meet Dr. Dave or contact him at www.wisequacks.org.