Spoof Space

BY STEELE CODDINGTON  | JULY 6, 2011

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Predictions worth noting …

steele coddington“Once upon a time” ... is usually the beginning of a fairy tale, like the opening remarks of every Obama speech or a Joe Biden press conference. But in today’s world, the focus is on the word “TIME.” If recent issues of The Wall Street Journal are any criteria, lavish ads touting expensive Swiss watches convey a contemporary fixation on ownership of time machines – i.e. watches, unknowingly exposing their owners to the imprisonment created by an addiction to TIME. In just one 20 page section of The Journal were 10 different watches, one listed at $6,900, all the equivalent of Rolls Royce prestige – an exemplification of the idea that in today’s world TIME is what is really important. And that’s good! Good, because in certain periods of time in the history of mankind’s similarly overwhelming concentration on TIME, it has been a prologue to miraculous religious change.

For example, while ancient Romans’ dependence on TIME was restricted to sun dials which were too bulky to strap on a wrist, the average Roman citizen experienced unprecedented consciousness of TIME during a period of Christian persecution. Citizens repeatedly asked each other, “What time is it?” Ostensively it was so they could get to the Coliseum sports arena on time to watch the daily chase of hungry lions in search of a little Christian hors d’oeuvre. As TIME became an increasing obsession, the Roman government provided stimulus programs to multiply the number of useless shovel-ready public sun dials so people could satisfy their strange fixation on TIME.

Ancient Roman psychologists concluded the citizens need to know what time it was, was a manifestation of an indivi-dual’s growing realization that TIME and therefore LIFE were growing short, exposing a universal thirst “to get religion before I die.” Rare religious documents support the TIME fixation theory and attribute the miraculous transformation of Romans from Christian persecutors to Christian believers, to their realization that TIME was short. What else can explain the establishment of a Vatican in the capital of the “unholy” Roman Empire just down the street from the Coliseum?

There are especially compelling predictions that also support the theory of TIME fixation as a precursor of unexpected religious change. One of the heaviest and least known Egyptian Pharaohs Tu Tun Tut the Third predicted, on a san script tablet found in his tomb, “TIME used for evil will end explosively.” This has proven true for terrorists using watches, clocks and cell phone timers manufactured in Iran that are used to time or trigger explosions of suicide bombs. Suicide bombers now celebrate the replacement of Osama bin Laden with their new national hero, Napoleon Blownapart. And the wave of change predicted by worshiping evil TIME, if ancient Rome is any example, is the potential for the establishment of a new Vatican with a Pope in Bagdad, Damascus, Tehran Cairo, Riyad and Kabul.
As Swiss watch ownership increases, so does church attendance. Hope to see you and your watch there.

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Children writing about the ocean ...

1) This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly, age 6)
2) Oysters' balls are called pearls. (Jerry, age 6)
3) If you are surrounded by ocean, you are an island. If you don't have ocean all round you, you are incontinent. (Mike, age 7)
4) Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend any more. (Kylie, age 6)
5) A dolphin breaths through an asshole on the top of its head. (Billy, age 8)
6) My uncle goes out in his boat with 2 other men and a woman and pots and comes back with crabs. (Millie, age 6)
7) When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes when the wind didn't blow the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would have been better off eating beans. (William, age 7)
8) Mermaids live in the ocean. I like mermaids. They are beautiful and I like their shiny tails, but how on earth do mermaids get pregnant? Like, really? (Helen, age 6)
9) I'm not going to write about the ocean. My baby brother is always crying, my Dad keeps yelling at my Mom, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy, age 6)
10) Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting.   Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves in to chargers. (Christopher, age 7)
11) When you go swimming in the ocean, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small.  (Kevin, age 6)
12) Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Divers can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky, age 8)
13) On vacation my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water fired right up her big fat ass. (Julie, age 7)
14) The ocean is made up of water and fish. Why the fish don't drown I don't know. (Bobby, age 6)
15) My dad was a sailor on the ocean. He knows all about the ocean. What he doesn't know is why he quit being a sailor and married my mom. (James, age 7)

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