Spoof Space


Mind numbing news events you may have missed

Like the state run liberal media in Washington, we reserve the same right to misinterpret, rearrange or make snide comments. An article in The Wall Street Journal in Feb. said, “Record numbers of high school students are taking and passing Advanced Placement exams, but a rising percentage are scoring at the lowest level possible ...” We think that’s a positive development. Lower scoring should lead to fewer teenage pregnancies. Schools should promote lower scoring instead of distributing contraceptives.

Prime example of wasted money, government animal experts studying the gorilla species wondered why they had such large nostrils. After a lengthy investigation they concluded it was because gorillas have such large fingers.

Another study by a team of government scientists investigating the despicable manners and poor etiquette of most Americans, strongly endorsed an increase in human bacteria, reasoning that it’s the only culture many people will ever have.

“Inflation made here in the U.S. is very, very low,” said Ben Bernake, Federal Reserve Chairman before the House Budget Committee, defending the Fed’s pumping money into the economy (at record levels). Gee Ben, the Brooklyn Bridge is for sale again too. Examples of “no” inflation (forgetting gasoline for a moment): the USDA reported that corn supplies for food will fall to a record low due to increased ethanol production. Corn futures are up 97 percent since June 2010 (wheat up 107 percent, soybeans up 56 percent). Ethanol uses up 40 percent of all corn grown! Why is ethanol production increasing? Believe it or not, to export to foreign countries. Obama’s Secretary of Agriculture said the ethanol industry’s appetite for corn shouldn’t raise food costs. Another Brooklyn Bridge! Tell that to a family buying breakfast food. We can’t eat ethanol because it’s fertilized with B.S. from Washington. Take the ban off oil drilling and let us eat the corn.

In the sewage treatment business there’s an old saying, “The good news is, the effluent coming out of our sewage plant is good enough to drink. The bad news is there’s just not enough to go around.” And that’s the new motto of the food industry Obamacare and the spread-the-wealth agenda. Trouble is, like effluent there isn’t enough of my money to go around any more.

Good news of the week, especially for Scottish people. A Scottish deer hound won the Best of Show in the Westminster Kennel Club in N.Y. Hickory, the 85 pound five year old champion is tall enough to stand up on her hind legs and kiss a seven foot NBA basketball player on the lips. She is the first of her breed to win the award and was lauded by Italian judge Paolo Dondina who said, “This animal is like the heavens. It’s not of this world.” On hearing the judge’s evaluation, Italian Premier Silvio Berlusconi was inaccurately reported by liars in the media to have expressed a variation of the old question about “What does a Scottsman wear under his kilt,” by asking, “What does a Scottswoman wear under her quilt?” The 74 year old Premier is accused of shacking up with a 17 year old prostitute. Jealous women all over Italy are rioting in the streets. Silvio denies the charges and reportedly said, “I can’t help it if women are attracted to me,” proving that spaghetti and Viagra are a good combination.

Well, that’s all the news that’s unfit to print.

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1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other:  'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

17. A backward poet writes inverse.

18. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine.

21. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons.  The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'

22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall.  One turns to the other and says 'Dam!'

23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'

25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal?  His goal: transcend dental medication.

26. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

Posey Moore Nash; Post Scripts by Posey LLC