Spoof Space


Dogs space out

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Since Arizona passed its Medical Marijuana Act, someone I know real well – me – has been quietly making plans to benefit dogs through a non-profit business called Canine Cannabis Cit Co. (CCCC). It will package legally cultivated chewable medical cannabis and make it available in little kits along with a dog bone, a jar of peanut butter and small bottles of dog shampoo and conditioner.  All this for dogs who must meet the law’s medical marijuana qualifications as patients with “debilitating medical conditions.”

How can I do this? It is only possible through a loophole I’ve uncovered in the law’s description of “patient,” which I will disclose only to dog owners. The definition of patient can be interpreted to include dogs that, like humans, have conditions that meet the law’s allowances for severe and persistent muscle spasms, severe nausea and chronic pain, etc, etc, etc. All of the above can be caused in dogs by the following: inadequate opportunities to exercise their herding instincts (especially present among Border Collies), insufficient canine/human bonding (some dogs), persistent boredom (many dogs), mental frustration watching human stupidity (all dogs), compulsion to perform dog tricks humans think are cute (many dogs), lousy food (some dogs), and compulsory listening to absurd human opinions (all dogs).

Since my dog Arbuckle and I live more than 25 miles from a designated dispensary, we are allowed to cultivate up to 25 marijuana plants. That would limit some growers but we will employ the old communist chandelier trick to increase production. On receiving its annual quota from Moscow to “make six tons of chandeliers,” the factory produced one six ton chandelier and the workers took the rest of the year off. Using good horse manure as fertilizer, our plants will become trees that can produce “six tons” of cannabis each.
I’ve already started Arbuckle on a regimen of the prescribed amount, two and a half ounces, and am happy to report his anxiety has been eliminated. But he has developed some weird preferences. Only eats peanut butter sandwiches. Shampoos his armpits instead of his head. (Never dawned on me dogs have four armpits.) After shampooing, he uses a conditioner which he says makes him slide through the air faster and increases his speed in chasing down Frisbees. He has also entered a talent contest hoping to win by burping The Star Spangled Banner in his act.

It’s tricky, negotiating the Medical Marijuana laws in Arizona and near-by states like California and Nevada, but not half as difficult as trying to understand the Feds’ response, since it’s still against federal law to use, sell or grow cannabis. But like the Attorney General’s treatment of the New Black Panthers who attempted to influence voters at the polls, it’s safe to presume they will look the other way regarding medical marijuana. So it’s encouraging to imagine that all our dog friends may soon replicate California and become fruits, nuts and addicted.

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Lovely Rose at 87

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The first day of school our professor introduced himself and challenged us to get to know someone we didn't already know. I stood up to look around when a gentle hand touched my shoulder.

I turned around to find a wrinkled, little old lady beaming up at me with a smile that lit up her entire being.

She said, 'Hi handsome. My name is Rose. I'm eighty-seven years old. Can I give you a hug?'

I laughed and enthusiastically responded, 'Of course you may!' and she gave me a giant squeeze.

'Why are you in college at such a young, innocent age?' I asked.

She jokingly replied, 'I'm here to meet a rich husband, get married, and have a couple of kids ...'

'No seriously,' I asked. I was curious what may have motivated her to be taking on this challenge at her age.

'I always dreamed of having a college education and now I'm getting one!' she told me.

After class we walked to the student union building and shared a chocolate milkshake.

We became instant friends. Every day for the next three months we would leave class together and talk nonstop. I was always mesmerized listening to this 'time machine' as she shared her wisdom and experience with me.

Over the course of the year, Rose became a campus icon and she easily made friends wherever she went. She loved to dress up and she reveled in the attention bestowed upon her from the other students. She was living it up.

At the end of the semester we invited Rose to speak at our football banquet I'll never forget what she taught us. She was introduced and stepped up to the podium. As she began to deliver her prepared speech, she dropped her three by five cards on the floor.

Frustrated and a little embarrassed she leaned into the microphone and simply said, 'I'm sorry I'm so jittery. I gave up beer for Lent and this whiskey is killing me! I'll never get my speech back in order so let me just tell you what I know.'

As we laughed she cleared her throat and began, ' We do not stop playing because we are old; we grow old because we stop playing.

There are only four secrets to staying young, being happy, and achieving success. You have to laugh and find humor every day. You've got to have a dream. When you lose your dreams, you die.

We have so many people walking around who are dead and don't even know it!

There is a huge difference between growing older and growing up.

If you are nineteen years old and lie in bed for one full year and don't do one productive thing, you will turn twenty years old. If I am eighty-seven years old and stay in bed for a year and never do anything I will turn eighty-eight.

Anybody can grow older. That doesn't take any talent or ability. The idea is to grow up by always finding opportunity in change. Have no regrets.

The elderly usually don't have regrets for what we did, but rather for things we did not do.

The only people who fear death are those with regrets.'

She concluded her speech by courageously singing 'The Rose.'

She challenged each of us to study the lyrics and live them out in our daily lives. At the year's end Rose finished the college degree she had begun all those months ago.

One week after graduation Rose died peacefully in her sleep.

Over two thousand college students attended her funeral in tribute to the wonderful woman who taught by example that it's never too late to be all you can possibly be.

These words have been passed along in loving memory of Rose. We make a living by what we get. We make a life by what we give.

God promises a safe landing, not a calm passage. If God brings you to it, He will bring you through it.

'Good friends are like stars … you don't always see them, but you know they are there.'

Published in 2002 at:

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Your Horoscope by Madame Bournard

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ARIES (MAR. 21 - APRIL 19)
You may have domestic and professional concerns with which you must deal. It is difficult to get to the truth of things right now. That will change.

TAURUS (APR. 20 – MAY 20)
Big wigs want to steal your show at work, step back and watch. Drama may take center stage in your life this week; do your best to deal with it.

Think things through carefully this week to avoid the trap of resentment and antagonism. Spend time on important things, like a better job.

Keep your mind alert. It is not the time for rash decisions. Make sure you handle financial issues wisely. Don’t let your ego take over. Relax with a best friend.

LEO (JULY 23- SEPT. 22)
Don’t let your heart be troubled. Watch for jealousy and don’t take things too personally. Remove your ego from emotionally charged situations.

VIRGO (AUG. 23 –AUG 22)
Virgos find it difficult to avoid gossip and criticism. Work to be patient; it is best for your health and welfare. You will enjoy your weekend!

LIBRA (SEPT.23 – OCT 22)
Beware of rash actions by people around you. Don’t get pulled into the anger around you. Accomplishments may come amidst the stress of the week.

SCORPIO (OCT. 23- NOV. 21)
Normality may take a break which means you and those surrounding you may find yourselves off the charts. You are impatient. You want things done your way!

Take good care, especially if you are traveling more than normal. Romance is in the limelight for you this week – watch an exotic movie with your partner or date.

Your love life may peak this week. The state of your financials may also rise to new levels. Focus at work may release frustrations and pent up anger.

Stand up for yourself, but don’t fly off the handle. There are too many reasons not to!! Deal with inefficiency or waste around your home or office.

PISCES (FEB. 19- MAR. 20)
Control nervous energy and center yourself, you don’t need health and safety risks. Someone you really like shows you surprising attention.