BY STEELE CODDINGTON | SEPTEMBER 1, 2010
The media and the government have been irrationally obsessed with obesity lately. Ignoring briefly, political candidates, Hollywood and other kinky sex venues, the Center for Disease Control (CDC) has designated obesity as the bulls eye at which to shoot arrows of healthcare discontent. The trouble with being obese is you really can’t be sure if you are the victim or the perpetrator. The government always prefers the victim route which conveniently avoids identification of the fat-headed government programs that put more emphasis on self-esteem rectification than on the hard choices involved in addressing the condition.
So the government has dictated that obese and obesity are its new mandatory politically correct substitute for demeaning words like fat, fatso, pudgy, bloated, etc, etc, etc. As a person designated as obese with a body mass index (BMI) over 30, I have a vested interest in what I’m called, and frankly, using obese and obesity to describe me and 35 percent of the population reflects typically inadequate government consideration. They are unimaginative descriptions with no flair, no sense of accomplishment and no respect. So I’m happy to announce that along with a number of psychotherapists on our staff with BMIs over 30, we petitioned the White House and Secretary of Health and Human Self Esteem and received approval by acclamation from the American Medical Board of Practicing People to change the words obese and obesity in use and in all government documents to AVOIRDUPOIS and AVOIRDUPOISITY. Congratulations.
To scientifically research avoirdupoisity we went to several restaurants to watch people eat. I decided to wear dark glasses so I could stare at people without making them feel self conscious. My dog Arbuckle also gained entry if I said, “He’s with me!” They also let him sit next to me at the table if I explained, “It’s OK, he’s got very good manners and never licks his knife.”
Our conclusions were that people are disgusting to watch while eating. My wife accompanied us on these trips, but insisted on sitting at a separate table. She agreed that the ways people eat are ugly to watch, especially if they were what we designated as EMO’s, that is, people who “Eat With Mouth Open.” We concluded that many people may be avoirdupois (ADP) because of HOW they eat, not because of WHAT they eat. “How” people eat often involves hog-like grasping of utensils in the fist as though it’s a shovel. Mothers teaching politeness have been drowned out by the oink, the shovel and bare fingers engaged in “speed eating” . . . “to make sure nothing gets away.”
Arbuckle insisted on wearing dark glasses too. With both of us looking like a couple of Hollywood stars, one ugly eater took offense and asked the manager to remove us. On the way out, Arbuckle got even by wee-weeing on the leg of the ugly eater’s girl friend. Our research however, was turned over to the Institute of Health, Eating and Bitter Remorse (IHEBR) and their doctors confirmed our finding that “It’s not WHAT you eat but HOW you eat,” that leads to avoirdupoisity. Personally I don’t care if you call me obese – just don’t call me late for dinner.
The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.
The pastor was so pleased with the donkey he entered it in the race again, and it won again.
The local paper read:
Pastor’s ass out front.
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.
The next day, the local paper headline read:
Bishop scratches pastor’s ass.
This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey.
The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.
The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day:
Nun has best ass in town.
The bishop fainted.
He informed the nun she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.
The next day the paper read:
Nun sells ass for $10.
This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.
The next day the headlines read:
Nun announces her ass is wild and free.
The bishop was buried the next day.
The moral of the story is: being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery – even shorten your life.
So be yourself and enjoy life.
Stop worrying about everyone else’s ass and you’ll be a lot happier and live longer!
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Your Horoscope by Madame Bournard
ARIES (MAR. 21 - APRIL 19)
This month will be long and busy for you, including an active social schedule. Try to take care of your health and not overdo.
TAURUS (APR. 20 – MAY 20)
Some issues with possible illness of relatives around you. Although not a big thing it may be an “eye opener.” Try to get some rest and relaxation end of week.
GEMINI (MAY 21 –JUNE 20)
New things are ahead for you Gemini. It’s time to step up to the plate and get back on that working wheel. Take more care with your appearance.
CANCER (JUN 21 – JULY 22)
Changes in your life are coming; hopefully they will be for the better. New job opportunities and the times we face cause a change in family dynamics.
LEO (JULY 23- SEPT. 22)
You have issues with people with whom you need to talk and communicate so you can get on with your life. A feeling of sadness hits you; time will ease your stress.
VIRGO (AUG. 23 –AUG 22)
Some follow up work on insurance and/or changes in finances are in your future. You need to stay on top of everything that crosses your desk so you don’t miss anything important.
LIBRA (SEPT. 24- OCT.23)
Family and change are in the future; next year will be different than the last. Help your significant other see the light and make changes where needed.
SCORPIO (OCT. 23- NOV. 21)
Now is the time to make important changes for your future. You need to think about saving money, in case anything happens that could cause you hardship.
SAGITTARIUS (NOV. 22- DEC. 21)
Your vacation worked wonders for your attitude. It was important to get away from the strain and everyday doldrums. Keep that happiness all the time.
CAPRICORN (DEC. 22- JAN 19)
A family member may need your help relating to money or health issues. Be ready, be strong and help as much as you can. Keep your friends close for support.
AQUARIUS (JAN. 20- FEB. 18)
Forgetfulness is running rampant! You have too much in your head and cannot find the strength to figure everything out. Make sure your special person is there for you.
PISCES (FEB. 19- MAR. 20)
It is a good time to catch up with family/ friends. Times may be getting a little tougher and you may need some extra assistance. Over the weekend do something fun.