Cat-tastrophe calls

charles marshall(Under the heading of “That Ain’t Right”)

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I was checking my mail the other day and I saw a flier attached to my mailbox that read:
          Lost: Black cat
          Missing collar
          If found, call 770-555-5555
          Or return to:
          185 Main Street

My first thought was, man, don’t people know any better than to list their contact information on a publicly distributed flier? Don’t they know that there are people like me that don’t have anything better to do than make prank phone calls using this kind of information?
I think a prank call could go a couple of different ways on this one. My first option might sound something like:

Lost cat lady: Hello?

Me: Yes ma’am, I’m calling about a flier I saw about a lost cat. Did you lose a cat, ma’am?
Lost cat lady: Yes, have you found her?

Me: Ma’am, this is Detective Regan with the Gwinnett County Animal Criminal Division. We have a cat in custody that matches the description on your flier. Could you tell me, has your cat ever been in any trouble with the law before?

Lost cat lady: Any trouble with the law? My cat?

Me: Yes ma’am, does your cat have any prior convictions or arrests?
Lost cat lady: Um, my cat? Are you serious?

Me: Ma’am, I think you should know your cat is being held in connection with a feline homicide that took place in your neighborhood two nights ago. Could you tell me the exact date of your cat’s disappearance?

Lost cat lady: Uh, is this a joke?

Me (raising my voice): Ma’am, are you giving me attitude? Your cat could be going away for a long, long time. Now, I don’t know where you’re from, but we still take feline homicide pretty seriously here in Georgia so unless you want little Fluffy here taking a visit to Old Sparky, I suggest you stow the attitude and start cooperating with this investigation!
Another way to go might be to call and be just generally creepy; something which many people tell me I do quite naturally.

Lost cat lady: Hello?

Me: Yes, I got your flier about the lost cat and I think I might be able to help.

Lost cat lady: That’s wonderful! Have you found our cat?

Me: Well, that’s just it. I’m not sure. Listen, I see on your flier that you live not far from me. I’m going to be dropping by later. I have a trunk full of cats that I’d like you to take a look at.

Lost cat lady: You have a trunk full of cats?

Me: Yeah, I’ve been collecting them all day for you and now I’m ready to bring them by. I’d like to do kind of a cat line-up and have you pick out your cat.

Lost cat lady: Listen, I don’t think that would be …

Me: Oh, hey, don’t worry about me. I keep my trunk lined with plastic at all times so there shouldn’t be any thing to worry about. I’ll see you in 2-3 minutes.

Now, if you’re playing along at home, you should know that this type of behavior will stir up a whole mess of legal problems for you – I can think of 4 or 5 charges right off the top of my head – but you’re not going to want to leave the job halfway finished. I suggest that you call back one more time to try the annoying approach.

Lost cat lady: Hello?

Me: Oh, good, you answered! I’m calling on my cell phone ‘cause I tried to reach you several times on my home phone and you didn’t pick up. Listen, I might have found your cat. How old is it?

Lost cat lady: Fluffy is two years old.

Me: Hmm. I have an all black cat here, but this one looks to be right at about three years old. Oh well, Bye-bye!

Unfortunately, I’ll never be able to carry out this wonderful idea, because, well it just wouldn’t be right. I find that sometimes my great ideas have to take a backseat to what the Lord would have me do. When I think of Jesus telling the disciples to follow him, it seems that command might imply some practical application. Maybe it means sacrificing my own desires in preference to God’s desires for me.

I’m not perfect and never will be but I am learning that I’ll know God better if I seek to follow him, and I can follow him better if I seek to obey him.

Now, I have to wrap this up so that I can go cat hunting. And that’s “hunt” as in help find the lost cat, not “hunt” as in shooting cats. I felt I’d better clarify that statement before I add another charge to the list.

Charles Marshall is a nationally known Christian comedian and author. Visit his website at http://www.charlesmarshallcomedy.com or contact him via e-mail at charles@charlesmarshallcomedy.com.