JUNE 2, 2010
Have a pleasant heart attack
Realizing that, between the big bad three most of you will have one day, namely heart attack, cancer and stroke, given your druthers, you would prefer to have a heart attack. Yes this is somewhat like saying which of the Three Stooges you would like to date but the feared stroke can leave you asking others for help, for a ride, for a bite or for a hand with the toilet paper. Cancer can mean years of slash, burn and poison. So comparatively speaking, a myocardial infarction may not seem so bad and so I would like to help you get that heart attack. I believe according to the laws of Thor, Odin and Ernie you are only entitled to one of these big bad three, so let’s go for the myocardial infarction.
1. Toss the floss. Flossing reduces the plaque on your teeth and thus also interestingly enough the plaque in your arteries. So toss the floss and use it for something else like hanging laundry or teasing the cat, but please don’t floss.
2. Start supersizing stuff. You don’t see a lot of heart attacks in the produce section of your local Piggly Wiggly so avoid those fruits and vegetables and whole grains and go get the quick convenient stuff at the McWendy’s King and then super size it. Play your French Fries right and you can enjoy a super sized MI.
3. Don’t get a flu shot. Most heart attacks occur during the flu season and the risk of heart attacks increase when you get the flu. So avoid the flu shot, avoid that little pesky flu needle cause then you’ll score lots of free needles in the Coronary Care Unit.
4. Drink plenty of alcohol. Hey studies are showing that drinking alcohol weakens your heart and increases the risk of a heart attack. Plus if you drink a little extra, hey you won’t even know when it happens.
5. Change your sex to male. Men have a much higher risk of heart attack than women, likely due to the stress free life we men let women enjoy so to increase your risk become a man. I know I just might.
6. Smoke. And if you really want to increase your chances of getting that MI go for cigars or the pipes. Cigar sucking and pipe puffing is even more dangerous than cigarettes. And, of course, if you appreciate seeing some familiar faces when they wheel you into the cath lab don’t forget to smoke around your friends so they can enjoy a heart attack as well.
7. Heredity. While changing your sex you might want to look at dropping into the local registry and selecting a new set of parents. I know my parents tried hard to get a different son. So if the family reunion is typically held in an angioplasty ward you are in good luck for getting that MI.
8. Sweeten the pot. Like the pot surrounding your navel. Add some sugar and your really help the cause. A little diabetes and diabesity and you can bypass the slow line and get into the express lane for the ... bypass.
9. Cholesterol. While working on getting your sugars elevated also try and get that cholesterol up. It will help form those unstable plaques in your arteries and get you up up to that MI in a hurry. Doctors will try and talk you into getting a statin, but you need to put your foot down and chant “Hey hi, I want my MI.”
10. Couch potato salad. Physical activity is a real obstacle in getting your MI. You can really reduce your chances of heart disease by being even a little active let alone a lot. Some concerted effort will also help you build up that useful fat around the belly and elevate your cholesterol even higher. And besides if you exercise you might be breathing air full of carcinogens for all you know.
So please, change your lifestyle and follow these ten simple rules and ... have a pleasant heart attack.