SpoofSpace
You can trust an animal
By Steele Coddington | April 22, 2009
This is the Chinese year of the ox. The inscrutable rationale for the selection of the ox according to several authoritative fourth graders who love Chinese food, is because an ox is a symbol of unerring dependability. It steadfastly plods along plowing the rice fields so faithfully that it has become the personification of truth and believability. However, an expelled seminary student I know, working for ACORN, said the ox, after first being mentioned in the Tenth Commandment, became famous when Martin Luther was engaged in a debate at Gutenberg on the infallibility of the Pope. When Luther was asked by a New York Times reporter what the meaning of “infallibility” was, Luther replied, “It depends on whose ox is gored.” The quote, or more likely the misquote since it was a Times reporter, was subsequently interpreted as confirmation of the belief that oxen, and all animals in God’s kingdom, with a few exceptions like skunks and roof rats, are symbols of honesty and believability.
Many ancient societies, like the Greeks, the Roman Empire, and Native Americans on the new continent, often attributed supernatural powers to animals because they were considered honest. Trusting your horse, for example, may have been a lot smarter than believing in some Greek legionnaire who said, “I’m right behind you ole buddy,” marching into the Battle of Thermopole. In other words, even a dumb ox, if you will forgive the irreverence toward such an established paragon, is more believable than a smart human.
That explains why you see so many animals in commercials these days. Simply put, people believe animals as advocates are more believable than humans. Animal endorsements will out-sell human endorsements by ten to one.
Part of the reason for the animal phenomenon is that former trend setters who starred in commercials have sunk to new lows. Look at Hollywood wackos, dog fight sponsoring athletes, liberal Congressmen-and-women who’ve never run a business doling out billions of tax payers’ hard earned dollars. Even community organizers, union thugs, ACORN agitators and convicted felons have come to the conclusion that animals are good “people” and if they endorse a product, it’s worth buying, eating or wearing if the animal talks sincerely.
Think about the latest animal ads on TV: a huge gorilla touting income for life to a nice couple in their bedroom; a power drink with all kinds of animals loving it; a monster bear attacking a tourist’s car to get a bottle of Tums out of the glove compartment: the bear on Charmin toilet paper; a black dog on a lady’s couch supporting her endorsement for Bayer aspirin; a large red pig endorsing HSBC Bank. And on and on.
So far, not one ox has appeared in U.S. advertisements, because honest as they are, they just don’t look convincing when they talk in English, standing in a rice paddy. Though in Chinese ads, they do sell a lot of rice cakes, smiling at the audience saying “rice is nice” and then burping very convincingly. Oxen aren’t too smart, though judging from all the ox-ymorons around. But dogs, bears and gorillas are smart and highly paid. No one’s ever personally owned a gorilla as a pet, though my wife says she married one once. I don’t believe her though because I’m the only person she’s ever been married to. Oh, I get it. She’s referring to me because I have a hairy chest and give her gorilla hugs all the time. Well, “gorilla” is better than “sly old dog” or “dirty old reprobate.”
A really quick thinker
A senior citizen drove his brand new Porsche convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.
Amazing, he thought as he flew down the 101, pushing the pedal even more.
Looking in his rear view mirror he saw the highway patrol behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120.
Suddenly he thought, 'What am I doing? I'm too old for this,' and pulled over to await the Trooper's arrival.
Pulling in behind him, the Trooper walked up to the Porsche, looked at his watch and said, 'Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go.'
The old gentleman paused and then said, 'Years ago, my wife ran off with a State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back.'
'Have a good day, Sir,' replied the Trooper.