A Change Of Pace

Spoof Space
Man in the street opinions on Olympics

By Steele Coddington | August 20, 2008

SteeleAll it takes to make everyone an athlete is watching TV coverage of the Olympics. Jeepers, some frustrated athlete ran by me the other night carrying one of those outdoor patio bug repellant sticks, flaming like an Olympic torch. “Just getting in shape for 2012,” he gasped.

I wanted to tell him, “Hold it closer to your head – it might get rid of some of the bugs.” But he ran off chanting “Beijing, Beijing, Fu Manchu, but many men smoke,” which was an old Chinese government ad for cigarettes designed to get the rice farmers to switch from chewing betel nuts to something healthier.

I noticed, come to think of it, that Mr. Torch Carrier had brown teeth. He may have been a betel nut chewer himself. Wonder if he has a girl friend? If she’s smart she won’t let him give her a kiss. She could catch bark betel disease, the very same thing that’s killing all the pine trees in northern Arizona.

It’s interesting to get people’s opinions on the Olympics. Here are a few of the more intellectual responses to my learned questions: What did you think of the Olympics in China?

• Gary from Mesa: “What Olympics? I watch the World Series of Poker. It’s bad to mess around with politics.”
• Gary’s girl friend Veronica: “Gary’s sort of a compulsive gambler, so I work here in the casino to help support the habit.”
• Gary: “Yeah, if she didn’t I might have to pok’er – ha, ha, ha!”
• Cindy from Seattle: “The Olympics – yeah they are lovely mountains! You can see ‘em from Seattle.”
• Harry from Detroit: “I loved them. I think the more sports programs you watch, the better it is for your health. My brother is such a good athlete, he has athlete’s foot.”
• Monica an actress with the Obama campaign: “China is, you know, a great country struggling with pollution that drifts over from New York City. You know, we ought to be like them. Everything I own, you know, was out sourced there so they could export it back here to the U.S. If we get the lead out of our a - - , we could manufacture stuff just like they do.”
“Did you say we should get the lead out . . .?
• Norman barroom arm wrestler: “Arm wrestling should be an Olympic sport. If it was, I’d probably be a gold medalist. American wrestlers are the best in the world. Our secret is that we eat garlic before a contest and our breath overwhelms most opponents. However, in one non-Olympic match the Japanese arm wrestling team won because they breathed sushi breath on the Americans.”
“Yeah. Thanks Norm. Your breath is quite Olympian.”
• Harriet a beer truck driver (with beer breath, in case you are interested, Norm), thinks more American type events should be included. She would like to see Pratfalls, Hog calling, Moose calling, Frisbee throwing and Hula hooping as categories. She was in law enforcement before she got canned for driving with beer on her breath, and thinks Tazering would be a good competitive sport too.

That would be electrifying Harriet! Whew, interviewing athletes is tough.


The husband store

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'
So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex, have money and like beer.
The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.