Spoof Space
In case you missed Mother’s Day

By Steele Coddington | May 28, 2008 | Vol. 14 No. 22

There were a lot of things you could have done for Mom on Mother’s Day. We thought it would be splendid of us to list them in case you didn’t do anything this year or forgot it was Mother’s Day or couldn’t think of anything except give her a peck on the cheek, or a slap on the butt – but only if the Mom in your family is your wife. I know none of our kids would smack their mom on the butt because if they did, the punishment would be more than standing in the corner facing the wall or washing their mouth out with soap. Hell, I just gave my wife a friendly little Mother’s Day smack last Saturday and she took my allowance away for a week.

Well, the first thing you could do to recognize Mother’s Day next year is sing her a special song. The best one we were able to come up with is that famous old ballad no one could think the title of . . . it’s appropriate if you substitute MOM for GIRL and it goes like this:

“I want a Mom just
like the Mom
That married dear old dad.
She was a Mom and
the only Mom
That daddy ever had.
A good old fashioned Mom
With heart so true,
One who loved nobody
else but you.
Etc, etc, etc.”

If the song doesn’t bring tears to her eyes, you need to establish a band in her honor and call it some clever name like The Mother Band, using family, neighbors or anyone else you can recruit. We were fortunate to have my son with a harmonica, a grandson on the Navajo drum (tom tom), a sister on a kazoo and a Scotsman from down the street who sobered up out of respect for the ladies for whom the day is dedicated, who played his own bagpipe.

I kept wondering if you have to be sober to play the bagpipe, or snockered to make the thing work. It seems to be enjoyable to listen to, regardless of your sobriety, though when you are snockered, a bagpipe will either bring tears to your eyes or encourage you to put on a kilt and swear allegiance to Scotland. But that’s the subject of another learned treatis on bagpipes, Scotland, getting snockered and what a Scotsman wears under his kilt.

You will probably be amazed at how many mothers you have amongst your family and friends – count them – your mother, wife’s mother, married (I hope) daughter, son’s wife, cousins, neighbors – plus with us, two female dogs and a cat who thinks she’s the Queen Mother. You should start capitalizing the words Mother, Mom and Motherhood a month before the occasion.

Think about unusual gifts you can give her. We have two bathrooms in our house – one for wife (and Mom), one for me. Her toilet had a plastic seat which she hated. So I gave her a new wooden one. And I installed it. It was almost as romantic as smacking her on the butt.

If she’s your Mom, take her out to dinner. If she’s your wife and mother of your children, take her out to dinner every week, start doing your own laundry and ironing, make the bed, vacuum once a week and cook dinner every other night. With that program she’ll increase your allowance and make an appointment with a psychiatrist for you.