How CEO’s should respond to Senators’ questions
By Steele Coddington | May 14, 2008 | Vol. 14 No. 20
Senator Blowhard: Mr. CEO your company sells oil and your company makes excessive profits. How do you justify that?
CEO: What the hell do you think we’re in business for Senator? Profits! Referring to oil company profits as excessive or greedy is frankly a cynical liberal attempt to manipulate public opinion. But I wouldn’t expect a dummy like you to know that in a free market economy “profit” is the dynamic that produces more jobs, more income, more research, more discoveries and also more taxes for you to waste on idiotic government programs you think will help you get reelected.
Senator Dufis: Mr. CEO your profits are outrageous and unfair.
CEO: No Senator, your statement is outrageous and utterly ignorant. If you and one of your overpaid staff had done the research, you’d have found that in 2007, according to studies cited by Investors Business Daily, “Big Oil” earned 8.3 cents per dollar while beverage and cigarette companies earned 19.1 cents, drug makers 18.4 cents, and all manufacturers made an average of 8.9 cents. How come you aren’t calling them outrageous?
Senator Bloato: That’s beside the point – how come gas is so expensive? How do you justify that?
CEO: Have you ever drilled an oil well, Senator? It’s dangerous, expensive and risky business. But the big question is – could you tell us where we can drill for oil that you clowns in Congress haven’t put “off limits” because the idiot radical environ-mentalists pulling your strings won’t let us drill in ANWR, where a mere 2,000 acres contain as much as 16 billion barrels of oil, and offshore where there is another 20 billion barrels, not to mention 45 miles off the coast of Florida where Cuba and China are going to drill. How do you justify that Senator?
Senator Puff-Puff: Watch your language Mr. CEO, and answer the Honorable Senator’s question.
CEO: Honorable? It’s not honorable to blame the U.S. for every foreign terrorist’s despicable acts and insist they be given trials in American courts of law, and support raising the white flag in Iraq by calling for immediate withdrawal of troops. Opps – sorry I became distracted. Back to a subject most liberals don’t understand – profits! We can’t run a corporation like the government does. I know it’s difficult for a socialist like yourself to understand but as they point out in Capitalism 101, people buy our stock so we have money to go discover, drill and extract oil, and we repay them for the risk they take by earning profits so we can pay dividends. We don’t fund self-serving entitlements that help get our officers reelected.
Senator Nerd: Mr. CEO, if you continue to embarrass the Senators, I’ll hold you in contempt.
CEO: I’m glad you mentioned contempt Senator. It describes your contemptible half-assed solutions to manipulated environmental problems and the global warming scam. Liberals delude themselves and gullible voters with worthless sound bite solutions like ethanol, windmills and higher gas mileage edicts instead of substantive programs that provide incentives to encourage tax relief, offshore drilling and more refineries so we can lessen dependence on America’s real enemies like Venezuela and Saudi Arabia.
Senator from the Midwest: This is getting out of control, and I demand a recess so I can consult my pastor on the least patriotic course to take. G-d damn CEOs.